First things first, let's talk ingredients. You're going to need some linguine—because, duh, it's in the name. Kalamata olives, because we're classy and we like our pasta with a bit of an attitude. Grape tomatoes, spinach, dry white wine (sip a bit while you cook, I won't tell), butter (because everything's better with butter), chicken broth, and an array of cheeses that would make any dairy lover weep with joy. Oh, and don't forget the herbs and spices; we're not animals.

Now, how did I whip up this masterpiece, you ask? Well, after performing a quick kitchen dance, I heated some olive oil, minced garlic, and butter in a large frying pan. Once the butter melted like my resolve to diet, I threw in the tomatoes and Kalamata olives, and gave them a good sprinkle of oregano, basil, salt, and pepper. Cooked them until the tomatoes started bursting—because who doesn't like a bit of drama in their cooking? Then, I added the white wine and chicken broth. Tossed in the spinach until it looked slightly less enthusiastic about life. Sprinkled in the Parmesan cheese and garlic powder, gave it a good stir, and then dealt with the linguine. Once the pasta was drained (saving a bit of that precious pasta water), I introduced it to the pan, mixed them together like long-lost lovers, and then, because I'm a generous soul, sprinkled feta cheese and red pepper flakes on top.

And there you have it, folks. A dish so good, you'll want to write home about it. Or at least brag about it on Instagram. Give it a try, and remember, the secret ingredient is always a sprinkle of sarcasm and a dash of love. Or is it the other way around?