Let's get real for a minute: pepperoni pizza is the basic black dress of the pizza world. It's reliable, it's everywhere, and sure, it’s tasty in that "I can’t think of anything better" kind of way. But sometimes, you need to step up your game.

Start with seven to ten slices of prosciutto. You know, that fancy ham you pretend to like at cocktail parties. Throw in half a yellow onion because why settle for full flavor when you can have half of it? A cup of crushed tomatoes is essential for making you feel like you’re eating something healthy. Parmesan cheese, but make it one cup grated—because everyone knows shredded is for amateurs. You’ll need some garlic pizza dough because we’re all about that gourmet life, aren’t we? Extra Virgin Olive Oil (EVOO) because regular olive oil is too pedestrian. Don’t forget your garlic salt, garlic powder, dried oregano, crushed red pepper flakes, and optional parsley for that “I’m so extra” garnish.

Now, to the cooking process. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Yes, I know you know how to preheat an oven, but humor me. Roll out that garlic pizza dough with a little EVOO because why not add more calories when you’re already indulging? Place it onto a baking sheet with non-stick spray or more EVOO—let’s keep that heart rate guessing. Sprinkle with garlic salt because blandness is for quitters. Cook for a solid ten minutes.

When your timer obnoxiously beeps, take the dough out and spread those crushed tomatoes like you're painting a masterpiece. Add a little parmesan cheese because a lot would just be too much, right? Scatter the sliced onions and prosciutto as if you’re an artist placing the final touches on your magnum opus. Throw on some oregano, garlic powder, and crushed red pepper because if your mouth isn’t slightly on fire, are you even trying?

Pop it back into the oven for another ten minutes. This is the part where you pretend you’re patient. After that, switch to broil on high for three to five minutes. Don’t walk away unless you enjoy the smell of burnt pizza—then by all means, multitask.

Finally, take it out of the oven, add a little more parmesan because you deserve it, and maybe some parsley if you want it to look good. Step back, admire your creation, and then laugh at the thought of ever going back to plain old pepperoni. You’ve ascended to a higher plane of pizza existence, my friend. Enjoy it.