For those of you who think "smokey" is just the name of a bear who hates forest fires, buckle up. It's so simple, even I managed not to mess it up, and that's saying something.

First off, you'll need to start with the bacon. Because, let's be honest, all great stories start with bacon. Fry those strips until they're as crispy as your ex's cold, cold heart. Or, you know, to your preference. Meanwhile, tackle the pappardelle pasta like it's the last lifeboat on the Titanic. Boil that water and cook those noodles until they're just shy of al dente, because nobody likes mushy pasta. It's a culinary crime, I tell you.

Now, for the magic part. Grab a skillet—yes, the big one you only use when you're trying to impress someone—and throw in butter, crushed tomatoes, chicken broth, minced garlic, and a generous helping of pecorino Romano cheese. Let that baby simmer and get all cozy with each other. Then, in goes the chopped-up bacon, black olives, and a symphony of spices that'll make your taste buds do the cha-cha. Mix in the drained pasta, add a splash of pasta water for that silky-smooth sauce, and voilà! You've just made a dish that's as fiery as your last online debate about pineapple on pizza. Garnish with whatever green stuff you have lying around to make it look like you know what you're doing, and serve with a side of self-satisfaction. Enjoy, you culinary genius, you.